Barking At The Bachelor: Season 21, Episode 5

Hello again, beautiful Bachelor Nation!
Welcome back to Ruby On Alki for another installment of the ever interesting Barking At The Bachelor! Where puppies take precedence over principals and drama is for the dogs. This week on The Bachelor really brought the heat as Nick Viall and his girlfriends headed to New Orleans for a week of mischief that I cannot wait to discuss! So, now that I have my traditional after-episode scoop of Cherries Garcia (Bless you Ben & Jerry), let’s talk drama!

The Rose Ceremony…
We open where last week’s episode left off amidst a theatrical pre-Rose Ceremony argument between Corinne (aka Corn) and Taylor from Seattle. Let’s be honest, it got kind of ugly. Sure, no punches were thrown, but the name calling and superiority complexes were at an all-time high. No one really won this battle, because they both wound up looking like trash. But despite the pouts and hurt feelings the Rose Ceremony must go on! The roses are handed out post-haste this time and before we know it, Sarah and Astrid are left empty handed. 

Time to get jazzed!
After the Ceremony the ladies find out that the show is hitting the road yet again, and this time they’re taking on New Orleans (aka the only party city that Kourtney and Khlo√© haven’t already taken on). Everyone is buzzing about who will be getting a One-On-One date as they check into their swanky hotel suites. Host Chris Harrison arrives, always the bearer of bad news, to let the ladies know that in addition to a solo and group date that there would be a dreaded Two-On-One date… *gasp*. He then ominously leaves the first Date Card on the table.

Where have you beignet all my life?
Rachel is the lucky lady chosen for a One-On-One date this week, and she meets Nick for a casual day of shopping at the French Market where the two slurp oysters and indulge in some delicious looking beignets. As they depart the market, the couple is quickly pulled into their own Second Line celebratory parade where they spend the afternoon dancing in the streets to jazz music until they duck into a local dive bar to continue the dance party. Finally, the two end the evening by dining amongst the Mari Gras floats, and as they get to talking Rachel drops the bomb that her daddy is a Federal Judge… Not intimidating at all. However, it seems Nick is up to the challenge and lawyer Rachel happily accepts her rose.

‘Til death do us part…
On this week’s group date Josephine, Kristina, Alexis, Raven, Jaimi, Vanessa, Danielle M., Whitney, Jasmine, and Danielle L. are headed off to a haunted house for a night spent with spooks and spirits. We find the house is haunted by a little girl named May, who died at 8 and is very possessive of her doll. After dinner, the night gets creepy as all the lights in the house suddenly darken and the girls are sent on a series of random candlelight investigations throughout the house. Don’t be fooled, this date was not nearly as exciting or fun to watch as it sounds. It was, however, more exciting than the dairy farm date. Really, the most exciting part of this date was when Raven accidentally let it slip that she’s in love with Nick, making her the first this season to drop the “L” word. But despite that, no one is shocked when Danielle M. is awarded the group date rose, and we can finally move on to the moment we’ve all been waiting for…

Meet me in the bayou…
LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE! Tonight’s Battle in the Bayou pits Princess Corinne up against Miss Master’s Degree Taylor in a brutal battle to the death elimination, but you get the idea. The threesome boards a jet boat and takes off into the swamp, passing crocodiles and water snakes until they reach a clearing where they are greeted by a voodoo priestess and her entourage, ready to perform several rituals for them. The first ritual is a Tarot card reading, which requires that the ladies go one at a time, conveniently allowing the other some alone time with Nick. Taylor stays for her reading, which contains some all to convenient themes, while Corinne takes her time with Nick to discuss how Taylor has been emotionally abusing her, calling her stupid and terrorizing everyone in the house… UmmWhat? Did I miss when this happened? Clearly Corinne is lying straight to Nick’s face, and he’s eating it all up. By the time Taylor gets her time with Nick, it’s clear his mind is already made up. When their time is up Nick makes the terrible decision to give Corinne the rose, leaving Taylor alone in the swamp to partake in the rest of the voodoo ceremony.

At this point, I was pissed off. Why Producers, why? Please stop trying to make Nick out to be this good, wholesome, guy when clearly he’s just a washed up playboy who needs help getting a date. No one wants to watch the Wicked Witch of Miami get the guy, that happens so commonly in real life that it makes it completely uninteresting to watch on tv. I mean, while we’re at it, why don’t we just fast forward to the end of the relationship and watch the lawyers execute the prenup? It would save us all a lot of time…

Thankfully, amidst my blind rage over the idiocy of a reality tv show, Taylor makes a comeback. That girl clawed her way out of the swamp and marched herself into Corinne and Nick’s dinner date and demanded to speak to Nick… YAS GIRL! Even the big “To Be Continued…” couldn’t bring me down from my wine buzz. 

In closing, I would like to propose a toast: Cheers to Seattleites telling it like it is, and to what I hope is a sensational episode of The Bachelor next week!

Have you ever been to New Orleans?
Who is your favorite bachelorette this season?
Let us know below or tag us, @RubyOnAlki!

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